just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
