pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Come on in and take your pants off
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