How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
