I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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