I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
