If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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