You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
