4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
