So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
