I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just pee around me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
