Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
