and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
