I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hippo gnu deer
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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