I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
