whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
