i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
