I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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