seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
