alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
