FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
