i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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