I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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