Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
