I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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