My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
