Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
