I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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