haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
