made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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