I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
