his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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