We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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