Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
