My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
