So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
