I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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