I accidentally burped into my bong.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
