I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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