Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
