My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
