My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
