I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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