woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
