I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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