PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
