When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
