before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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