You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
