you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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