When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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