Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
