funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
