he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
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My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
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And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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