By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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