put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you would pick up someone in the library
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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