And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
